The origin of ‘I’

In this growing world where spiritualism, mysticism, ghosts and witches are steadily growing in popularity (it was always there, just being re-discovered in a new light) – you can’t open Facebook without someone showing you a Tarot card or sharing a moon phase meme. I include myself in the mix, but it’s been a major part of my life for close to 10 years now.  I won’t be turning back.  If it is helpful and your intent is good, spread it like wildfire.

While some feel this is a passing phase, a ‘FAD’  – the people who were here before the phase will continue through and experience growth and we will have some new fuel to the community fire for the people who are literally growing into their paths adopting new beliefs, trying something new and finding the present spectrum of ourselves. These large fluxes of people ‘coming out’ as enjoying something is happening because it’s all becoming excepted and OK to express it. The world is waking up (despite all the ways it is still very close-minded and in some cases seemingly going backwards) in ways it has covered up and suppressed and punished for decades.

Any change in that manner is for the better in my eyes – worry about and affect what you can when you can for the better. It has me wanting to share my experiences, both positive and negative, and it’s been nagging at me daily to do so. So many people move through life not knowing that some things need talking about, experiencing and knowledge of – to move past. We are all connected, while our experiences may be unique to us – someone has been there, is there now, or will be there.


Finding myself

I usually don’t bother to speak about many of my experiences that have made me who I am today. For a good chunk of my life I was running from it in fear of the unknown. No one shared experiences similar in my life (or so I thought at the time) and no one would understand.

I’d never want anyone to feel as alone as I did inside my head. I was scared of what others would say, think or do. In my teens I covered myself in a blanket of hate and depression so deep I forgot what a real smile felt like, or what they were even caused by. From my pit I tried to cover my mind with drugs, alcohol and when that didn’t work I tried doctors and hospitals. None of that helped. No pills could hide, or cure something that is not an illness – through the vast majority of doctors will pour them into you instead of helping and understanding the real problem, especially when it comes to mental issues. In this instance ‘I” needed to change it and accept me.  As child/early teen I was utterly incapable of doing so.

My experiences, when asked about, have helped so many (I hope) that have had similar experiences and were unable to voice them due to the judgemental and gossiping world we live in for fear of looking ‘crazy’. I choose to live it whole heartedly now, I’ve greatly evolved who I am (still going!) and how I think and treat people in my day to day life and I’ll assist anywhere I can. I had to go through that all-encompassing hell I fell into, so that I knew what it was like to be that deep in the pit. I lived in my hell on earth for 7 years not knowing I could ever be any different – dark, sad, self-loathing and full of hate toward anyone or anything that dared help me out of it because they just didn’t get it. Nothing they suggested seemed tangible as an actionable correction for how I felt. Their suggestions were stemming from love and caring, but from a sunnier, lighter perspective which I was not able to comprehend.

You see things from your current perspective only. The good news is this can change. That WAS me. I pushed friends away, slept my life away and did anything I could to ‘escape’ with little regard to how I would hurt my body and mind. There was no light at the end of my tunnel to be worked toward for better days – just maybe a mild hoping that something would pull my soul out and show me that I was standing beside myself this entire time as dark and light.  To show me that I just needed to be merged into one again, so that I could feed BOTH instead of just the one I could see – and feel whole.

Depression is not a mindset to just ‘change’ on a whim as all who have felt its talons know well. I see now mine were caused by an intense feeling of being alone, dysfunctional family issues and not understanding myself on literally any level. Having no one capable of helping me make sense of anything in my head was frustrating – talking never helped at all. It just made me feel like I constantly complained with no effort to change my situations – that couldn’t fix my own life.
Knowing that no one else was going to do it for me and not being able to see how to do it myself was just another nail despite having family that showed as much caring and love as they were capable of at the time, and being consistently there for me when I called in tears, in my most difficult-to-deal with states.

Somewhere along the line, after an intense substance experience, I kind of ‘woke up’ out of it. That’s the only way I can describe it. The experience shook me up so much mentally that turned my misery into a hard hitting reality so strong that I literally could not continue how I was, mentally or physically, without dying. I guess that was the type of rock bottom I needed to hit to evolve into the next phase of my being and to know that I still wanted to be here and feel life and grow into myself as I have.

Now the only major mental block I deal with daily is pretty intense anxiety.  I actively work on overcoming this, but I had let it run (and limit) my life with its mental ’brick walls’ for years, over-thinking, over-planning and endless worry brain. I would shake past me’s hand for making it through and getting those massive experiences out of the way for present me – but I would also punch her in the face…with love.

Transitions are hard, and usually takes a very difficult wake-up call at the most low point to overcome it. It either changes your life, or ends it.

Today, I have a very, very ‘eclectic pagan’ view of life (which is a whole other article), living and of death, as a result of my current life experiences. I couldn’t possibly feel more content, whole and free within that and I grow every day. There is no ‘end goal’ , fear or punishment past myself. Sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with myself:P  I was brought up Roman Catholic and not one piece of that puzzle felt right to me. I could see it was right for some people around me, and that the words spoken in succession, repetition and ritual were delivered with the best of intentions from their life perspective and experiences – but next to no one could seemingly open any other doors past that. Most refused to listen to or even acknowledge another belief system for fear of their faith wavering which could result in not going to heaven or some sort of afterlife punishment that they had devoted their life to avoiding. Back then very few were seeking for another answer.

The internet only began in August 1991 –  and not everyone had it when it became possible in our small town. There was no ‘ Google that’ or ‘ find out if someone else feels this way’ at the time. This made my thoughts and experiences feel even more void and confused at times – I had to live through that in order to find what I subconsciously knew to be true and close to my heart, as I have. Today I can identify, understand, empathize and show true compassion because of it. I now study various religions and different belief systems and find myself enjoying the various conversations that stem from them.

This is a very toned down and limited version of my bumpy past but it speaks for why I think how I do, hold close the things I do and why I try to express myself as such every day – to the best of my current ability. Why I choose to listen to others and try and give genuine advice as I see it and make myself open to those things that others carry around on their shoulders.

Today I choose to talk about some of mine – openly – only took me 30 years to write some down and to be completely OK with these aspects of myself and I see this as just more growth and expansion.

You are not your past experiences.  That person became me, but I’m no longer the person who experienced and dealt with those things – I’m just glad they did. I release and will not carry any longer the weight of those experiences on my shoulders as I have for years.

Now that I have that out of the way, due to my experiences being capable of having the word count of an encyclopedia – I plan to share some of the more interesting highlights of my past, thoughts of my present and aspirations for the future on this blog for anyone and everyone to read. I hope you at least find them interesting!

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

― Heraclitus


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